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SHAMwow!®

05/02/2011

We interrupt your regular programming (treehugging, anti-consumerist rants) to ask you a question central to human prosperity, success and happiness in the 21st century:

HAVE YOU HEARD OF THE SHAMWOW!®?It’s the miraculous new product revolutionizing household cleaning!

(since circa 2006)

The ShamWow!® absorbs twenty times its own weight and is made by real Germans!

ShamWOW!®

The ShamWow!® changes the lives of eight in every ten customers!

Beware of cheap imitators, most of which can absorb only nineteen times their own weight. Pretenders, if you will, to the ShamWow!® throne. These include the ShamHuh,® and the ShamIGuessIt’sPrettyNeat…®.

What’s that? It turns out the ShamWow!® only holds twelve times its own weight? Oh. Okay. Well…

That’s still pretty good!

Come again? Someone actually checked, and it holds just ten times its own weight? Less than sponges?

Hmm.

Let’s go to customer testimonials!

2/24/2009 – Bryan of Washington, DC, USA writes:

My father had an illness that didn’t let him get out of the house much, and his memory was on the downfall over the last few months. He was in his room watching tv and he saw the shamwow commercial and for some reason really wanted one. Since he doesn’t ask for much, me and my wife (his daughter-in-law) decided to buy him a set to use around the house, as he didn’t get out much.

The product arrived and we had him wait to open it until we got back from the hospital because we thought he was having a stroke. When we returned he was out of it and went to bed. We woke up in the middle of the night to him crying loudly in his room, which is next to ours. He has spilt his bed pan and tried to clean it up with the shamwow cloth. It wasn’t working and he thought it was HIS fault! After hours of calming him down, while I cleaned up the mess with towels, we took him into the kitchen to show him it works. WELL IT DOESN’T, and our neighbors also tried it with theirs that arrived the next day, and theirs was a bust as well.

My father was always in a sad mood after that, as he thought it was his fault it didn’t work and he could only seem to remember the commercial saying how good it was and his failure with it. My father died at the age of 72, crying mad as my niece brought in some shamwows her boyfriend had bought to show them to us, not knowing she was there to see my father on his death bed! HE SAW THEM, and we all tried to take them out before he saw them!!! He started to cry and yell, and as I took my niece out of the room, my father yelled out a scream of anger and pain I had never heard before. He never got to say his last words to me or our family, all he saw was his own failure and shame and he died in tears, thinking only of an angry world, and not of our LOVE FOR HIM! This product is garbage, and should be banned, burnt, and that evil man selling it to be drowning and try to save himself by using his own product to soak up the water, as he WOULD DIE!

Um…

Oh my God…

Uh…

ShamWOW!®

Like this? Check out the short story I submitted to a competition with a 600-word limit, making fun of that limit. (The story won the contest.)

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