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A Special Batshite Holiday Message

12/23/2010

We here at Batshite (well, all right, it’s just me) would like to remind those who haven’t noticed that the annual institution of Christmas is upon us, and there are only one and a half shopping days left.

Christmas is one of several culturally-ordained annual events during which the spirit of giving is emphasized–namely, the giving of consumer products. In Western society we measure the health of our relationships against this periodic exchange of material goods, and the upkeep of your social circle will require your participation.

Christmas is about giving, not receiving. A failure to subscribe to this ethos will result in social awkwardness and tension. It’s damaging if you don’t have a gift for a friend who has bought one for you. It’s recommended that you buy emergency gifts for those friends whose appraisal of your friendship is inconsistent with yours. Most people also purchase gifts for their pets. Though animals are not legally considered property owners and may not have the cognitive ability to fully appreciate the Christmas spirit, many feel it’s unfair to lavish a pile of gifts on their offspring but not even throw the dog a bone.

For Christians, this tradition of generosity is rooted deeply in religion. The holiday is a celebration of Jesus Christ’s birthday, who shortly after entering the world is said to have received the gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh from three Wise Men:

Commemorating the Christian saviour’s birth is widely touted as the reason for the season.

Another pillar of Christmas is Santa Claus, who in Western culture pilots a flying sleigh powered by magical reindeer. He wears red and white:

If you’re a parent and Santa Claus fails to visit your house with his Christmas bounty, expect criticism from the parents of your child’s classmates.

Unfortunately, Christmas is also a time during which misers make their opinions known. Ignore those who would seek to portray this special event as a significant contributor to our ecological crisis. Those who moan about the waste generated by Christmas are likely trying to justify being a cheapskate. The word we have for such dissenters is Scrooge.

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